how is it that every year, you seem to wake up and, all of the sudden- fall is here.
and you can see your breath in the newly brisk air,
and scarves get wrapped around your neck,
and you must dig out the gloves you so hastily stashed away when spring did the same,
and the warmest bed becomes your haven,
and all you want to eat is soup,
and some place close, a fire burns- and either the smell or the heat penetrates you in some way...

as things around me in the natural world dry and change and put themselves to bed for a while-
in many ways I'd like to do the same...
and with them shrivel into a new existence.

one that isn't far from what I know, but is a state that truly is different.

okay now something good for bedtime.

Sometimes I feel like everything's going on around me and I'm just watching, and although I feel "busy" I don't really have this glorified sense of completion I seem to assume everyone else has.
Some days I think maybe my actions don't add up.
Or that I am out of context with myself.
Like, at one time, I had bigger plans....or something...
And it's that something that gets me.
I guess I remember my last few days of camp I guess I just turned 13...we had to fill out these silly fill-in-the-blank surveys, joking about what we would be doing in 5 or 10 years, and what we would be doing when we were 30. My answer to this was blandly: "probably still in school for something".
sommmmmmethhhhhing.
Like I already knew at that point that I wasn't going to have a clue how to focus my brain even when I was older and supposed to have things figured out.
But then again, what does that even mean?
And who should really give a fuck?
Why all this bogus pressure on myself? It's mostly self-concocted anyway...
Can't something be as tangible or elusive as one would like?
Isn't that the beauty of the freedom and choice that surround the option?
Despite my ability to agree- my placid observation is temporary, and this inability to put my finger on what I want to happen in my life (and consequently put this into action) is stressing me out to beyond ridiculous levels. But, I fear my obsessions surrounding this are jepordizing some extremely vital relationships, that are all fine and good until I start fucking shit up with these stupid thoughts.
My head spins- realizing that I am acting silly, but yet I continue to do so...over and over.

Larisa the other day was telling me about someone who once offered enlightenment with the basic fact- there are simple beginning steps for everything. I can't remember how many she referenced but let' s just say 4 steps. Regardless, the requirement of identifying issues one through four, helps to put the situation in an immediate context- which naturally will lead you to the next set of steps, and the next part of the situation. They sighted how you can't (or shouldn't is better here... I suppose, you can do whatever you want to) even begin to think about step 99 until you simply take care of the easy ones at the beginning. As common sense as this process seems (basic addition, rational thinking) her telling of this really clicked with me: I'm compulsive about things I can't control.
It's quite basic to understand, that when you create unpredictable scenarios in your head, you constantly victimize yourself with those assumptions. And this is a dangerous cycle.
Simply put...as Mr. Stanton taught me in 6th grade: to assume is to make an ass out of u and me.

And I know this.

And as much I dream to think and plan for the future...it's so ridiculous to think I can control an outcome by simply (or complexly) mulling over it.

But seriously. It's 3 am.
And a person that loves me and that I love back is directly behind me, and to break it down into simple steps, somewhere around the 2nd or 3rd, I should have been comfortably sleeping with him by my side. Stressing about how I am going to make sure I can convince him the goods outweigh the bad, should not be included in steps 1-4. Playing with emotional scales should not even be in any steps. Neither should adding up actions, or tallying arbitrary debts.

I guess I just need to read some Kant and shut my face.
...and open and relax my head a bit more...

if I hear that new band of horses album one more time at work (or EVER again for that matter) I might just have to kill-a-man.
fucking auto-tune bull shit, and the lamest lyrics I've heard this in a minute.
total fucking crap.
...just had to get that out.

ode to self-portraits with meredith...

...a fraction remains. But the reality of what truly is, is much larger...
I'm ill with horrible thoughts right now-
all that I hope are never ever true.
Get cooked, but stay sweet.
Get cut, but stay whole.

That old certain feeling...

It's back to school time again, and I'm reminded of the coffee and cigarette sustenance that became oh so georgia state last time around.
Waking up early, staying up late.
Finding time in the strangest places.
...that force- somewhat centrifugal, that just straight up keeps you going...

Funny how quick summer goes away.
But when you flip through your mind- in retrospect, it truly is one long swirl of memories to write home about.

I lost a little bit this summer...but overall I gained the most, and have been lucky to feel strongly tied and more compelled to particular things and people. One person specifically I must say...

As summer fades, I'm giddy with more than just thoughts about scarves and sweaters.
I've got a love.

she's so...

heavy.

summer is good.

aahhhhhhlaska...

I can't drink like I used to...
(and yes that really is a good thing)

But things get wacky when my drunken self, plus my partner in crime ms. d, decide it's a fine idea to polish off an entire bottle of whiskey.
(?!?!)

2 am hot dogs, forgotten toast, accidental phone calls, and cigs in the house.
(black out steez)

At least I didn't burn the house down.

it's summer once again and there are so many things to get super-stoked about... san fran...sunno))) and earth, bike adventures, hopefully a trip up to new york, and maybe one back home for a bit?!
also not showering is up on the list as of late...

...my biggest summer goal: grow some hair on my feme-balls and stop being a bitch on dem drummms yo!

anyway, here are some pics from lately...

I dreamt we went sledding- onto a frozen pond...

Did I turn into a polar bear on the ice?

I think you already were one.
Then we rode bikes in the snow.

I want to ride bikes in the snow with you.

But we would wreck one million times!

Not if we put chains on the tires...

I've been so neglegent to this blog.
Oh well.
My mind has been everywhere lately but here, and I think that's a good thing.
Once again, my life is strewn about... in boxes, bags, in trunks of cars, and under beds.
It's really hard to focus on right now- but what I want is so close I suppose I shouldn't even bother speculating...
A totally cool thing happened today and it involves a german one piece jumpsuit which I am going to ROCK all winter.
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You know what's lame? The spell check on blogger.com questions the word blog.
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Some things are for sure... and they always involve the people in your life that you love and love you back.
It doesn't matter where you are- what's good is always good.
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There are a lot of things I am going to miss about Iowa City and Iowa in general...
...but my heart is throbbing for the ATL...

It's a bit insane the things I've managed to keep a hold of after 6 years of moving all around- and even a bit more strange the things that end up together that are from different alyssa eras. A lot of stuff has been popping up from the Full Sail era lately as I've been on a tangent search for these photobooth strips I had taken with various people in Florida...
I haven't found them...
But I know they are in an envelope SOMEWHERE!
Luckily I found a cool mix cd a really swell friend made... and some awesome party fliers... some special notes AND some SEXY BOYZ pins that never made it to their destination...
It's really hard to let go of such good times, and I think that's why I'm such a freaky pack-rat. All these little scraps of paper are more powerful than memories to me. When I see them- I'm transported to another time...and the air is super heavy, and there are palm trees and broken sprinklers spewing out over endless parking lots...and I am underage, and literally, truely... carefree.
It's so good- it's a movie.

It looks like winter outside right now...
Somthing about the sky and it's tone tells me snow isn't too far away.
I'm stalling at the computer before I face the chill- looking at the sky and thinking about being snowed in on what street was it??? east 79th or something? with my pals Mere and Justin G...booty shakin' in our socks to the snow and lil'kim.
It was one of the worst snow storms I have been in, ever- but also one of the best.
The subway tunnels were drifted shut that morning.
...I walked to work later that day in my split converse all-stars.
snow thigh deep...
new york city baby.
That's the kind of up hill both ways story you tell your kids.

there was once a house that someone built for something good...
now it is just a chimney




some warped glass that blasted out of the windows and melted together


.bales of hay.

This weekend I was able to snag ride to the Rochester Cemetary near the Cedar River/Rochester, Iowa area. I didn't really know what to expect, but the reason I wanted to go was to see one of Iowa's last remaining natural prairie spaces. Less than 1/10th of 1% of the actuall natural prairie of the state of Iowa exists today. Iowa used to be a sea of swaying grasses, flowers and shrubs and was an extensively dense habitat for a plethora of birds and animals.
Now- Iowa is a sea of corn and soybean fields- most corn is used to feed livestock. A lot of it gets turned into precious corn syrup too.
There's big push locally for ethanol of course- but that's always been around here as far as I can remember...and I was at Wal-Mart the other day and actually saw "local" plastic-y hangers made from corn too. I'm down with that.

Anyway...

There has been a lot of controversy over this cemetery in recent months because people are actually still being burried here- and with burried dead comes living concerns of how the heck are we going to mourn with all these weeeeeeeds around. There has been protests from the naturalists and ecologists to keep the area in tact- but more vocalization from the people burrying the dead...and so it goes, the spot was pretty mowed off when I got there.


















Massive Oak trees shroud the disorderly grave markers


















The oldest grave I could find had someone under it that had been born in 1771...


















I liked the way these had appeared to turn BLACK!


















A little Praying Mantis flew near to take a break and well... pray, right!?
This one totally knew I was taking its picture and proceded to creep behind the grave and stick its head out at me to stare... NO STARRERRING!























Which way is UP?


















This was a really cool visit, and though I would have liked to see more natural habitat- it is a very interesting place to check out. All weird and sprawling and old... a classic creepy cemetery.

october is the best month...
best weather, best colors, best air.












the sky is so pure and blue! (just ignore the power lines!)















Iowa City Modern...












Asian Market down the street from me=sauce heaven












something about this market is very comforting. small, saturated, colorful, smiling faces, old grandma in an apron sitting and chatting swiftly with delicate patrons.
...it reminds me A LOT of Tomato Company Inc. near Atlanta as it has just about any candy, snack, tea, veggie, noodle, bean, seafood critter, and condiment you could imagine, plus an Asian bootleg video rental section. This place even has the vcr set-up exposed...I didn't get a photo b/c it was right behind the checkout and I didn't want to seem invasive- but I quickly counted at least 12 vcr's and maybe 4 dvd players all hooked up in some sort of bizzare synchronicity.












has this been in Vice before???












The Iowa City public library is right behind my place.
...just a view from outside the window I was studying near today...

I awoke from a regular nights sleep to find that fall had appeared.
...and the trees were set ablaze to shed their cinders through the air!
but I ask-
where did the locusts go?
where were they ever?
even the crickets have started to cease.
and the world is drying up wherever you turn.
the fields that were once strikingly green-
are stark and brown today.
the sumac that was once vividly blood red-
is a deeper, more dense mahogany, almost black.
but oh! there is so much life in even what is dying.
for the ditches are rampant with that which is wild-
and the color rages on until it’s frozen in time.