hale.of.bay

Sometimes I feel like everything's going on around me and I'm just watching, and although I feel "busy" I don't really have this glorified sense of completion I seem to assume everyone else has.
Some days I think maybe my actions don't add up.
Or that I am out of context with myself.
Like, at one time, I had bigger plans....or something...
And it's that something that gets me.
I guess I remember my last few days of camp I guess I just turned 13...we had to fill out these silly fill-in-the-blank surveys, joking about what we would be doing in 5 or 10 years, and what we would be doing when we were 30. My answer to this was blandly: "probably still in school for something".
sommmmmmethhhhhing.
Like I already knew at that point that I wasn't going to have a clue how to focus my brain even when I was older and supposed to have things figured out.
But then again, what does that even mean?
And who should really give a fuck?
Why all this bogus pressure on myself? It's mostly self-concocted anyway...
Can't something be as tangible or elusive as one would like?
Isn't that the beauty of the freedom and choice that surround the option?
Despite my ability to agree- my placid observation is temporary, and this inability to put my finger on what I want to happen in my life (and consequently put this into action) is stressing me out to beyond ridiculous levels. But, I fear my obsessions surrounding this are jepordizing some extremely vital relationships, that are all fine and good until I start fucking shit up with these stupid thoughts.
My head spins- realizing that I am acting silly, but yet I continue to do so...over and over.

Larisa the other day was telling me about someone who once offered enlightenment with the basic fact- there are simple beginning steps for everything. I can't remember how many she referenced but let' s just say 4 steps. Regardless, the requirement of identifying issues one through four, helps to put the situation in an immediate context- which naturally will lead you to the next set of steps, and the next part of the situation. They sighted how you can't (or shouldn't is better here... I suppose, you can do whatever you want to) even begin to think about step 99 until you simply take care of the easy ones at the beginning. As common sense as this process seems (basic addition, rational thinking) her telling of this really clicked with me: I'm compulsive about things I can't control.
It's quite basic to understand, that when you create unpredictable scenarios in your head, you constantly victimize yourself with those assumptions. And this is a dangerous cycle.
Simply put...as Mr. Stanton taught me in 6th grade: to assume is to make an ass out of u and me.

And I know this.

And as much I dream to think and plan for the future...it's so ridiculous to think I can control an outcome by simply (or complexly) mulling over it.

But seriously. It's 3 am.
And a person that loves me and that I love back is directly behind me, and to break it down into simple steps, somewhere around the 2nd or 3rd, I should have been comfortably sleeping with him by my side. Stressing about how I am going to make sure I can convince him the goods outweigh the bad, should not be included in steps 1-4. Playing with emotional scales should not even be in any steps. Neither should adding up actions, or tallying arbitrary debts.

I guess I just need to read some Kant and shut my face.
...and open and relax my head a bit more...