falling asleep to owls,

waking up to marta.

in-between dreams and bed covers,
the daylight seems too far away.

ode to saturday...













(and to sunday, haha!)

I should be reading about policy evaluation right now but my mind has been overtaken!!

...feverish excitement compels me to collect each and every moment, nuance, and fraction of good that has occured the past 10 months, and assemble them into some monolithic treasure that can be kept for all time.

My basket is getting huge.

...and current company continues, with increased momentum, to burrow deeper into my existence...thank you.

These times and places feel nothing but right.

...this is for matt...

This for the thinkers
This for the urchins allergic to they own stingers
This for the absurd verdict linkers
This for that cat at my shows that's always got prophetic opinions
but cant remember where his drink is...

(thanks aes rock)

how is it that every year, you seem to wake up and, all of the sudden- fall is here.
and you can see your breath in the newly brisk air,
and scarves get wrapped around your neck,
and you must dig out the gloves you so hastily stashed away when spring did the same,
and the warmest bed becomes your haven,
and all you want to eat is soup,
and some place close, a fire burns- and either the smell or the heat penetrates you in some way...

as things around me in the natural world dry and change and put themselves to bed for a while-
in many ways I'd like to do the same...
and with them shrivel into a new existence.

one that isn't far from what I know, but is a state that truly is different.

okay now something good for bedtime.

Sometimes I feel like everything's going on around me and I'm just watching, and although I feel "busy" I don't really have this glorified sense of completion I seem to assume everyone else has.
Some days I think maybe my actions don't add up.
Or that I am out of context with myself.
Like, at one time, I had bigger plans....or something...
And it's that something that gets me.
I guess I remember my last few days of camp I guess I just turned 13...we had to fill out these silly fill-in-the-blank surveys, joking about what we would be doing in 5 or 10 years, and what we would be doing when we were 30. My answer to this was blandly: "probably still in school for something".
sommmmmmethhhhhing.
Like I already knew at that point that I wasn't going to have a clue how to focus my brain even when I was older and supposed to have things figured out.
But then again, what does that even mean?
And who should really give a fuck?
Why all this bogus pressure on myself? It's mostly self-concocted anyway...
Can't something be as tangible or elusive as one would like?
Isn't that the beauty of the freedom and choice that surround the option?
Despite my ability to agree- my placid observation is temporary, and this inability to put my finger on what I want to happen in my life (and consequently put this into action) is stressing me out to beyond ridiculous levels. But, I fear my obsessions surrounding this are jepordizing some extremely vital relationships, that are all fine and good until I start fucking shit up with these stupid thoughts.
My head spins- realizing that I am acting silly, but yet I continue to do so...over and over.

Larisa the other day was telling me about someone who once offered enlightenment with the basic fact- there are simple beginning steps for everything. I can't remember how many she referenced but let' s just say 4 steps. Regardless, the requirement of identifying issues one through four, helps to put the situation in an immediate context- which naturally will lead you to the next set of steps, and the next part of the situation. They sighted how you can't (or shouldn't is better here... I suppose, you can do whatever you want to) even begin to think about step 99 until you simply take care of the easy ones at the beginning. As common sense as this process seems (basic addition, rational thinking) her telling of this really clicked with me: I'm compulsive about things I can't control.
It's quite basic to understand, that when you create unpredictable scenarios in your head, you constantly victimize yourself with those assumptions. And this is a dangerous cycle.
Simply put...as Mr. Stanton taught me in 6th grade: to assume is to make an ass out of u and me.

And I know this.

And as much I dream to think and plan for the future...it's so ridiculous to think I can control an outcome by simply (or complexly) mulling over it.

But seriously. It's 3 am.
And a person that loves me and that I love back is directly behind me, and to break it down into simple steps, somewhere around the 2nd or 3rd, I should have been comfortably sleeping with him by my side. Stressing about how I am going to make sure I can convince him the goods outweigh the bad, should not be included in steps 1-4. Playing with emotional scales should not even be in any steps. Neither should adding up actions, or tallying arbitrary debts.

I guess I just need to read some Kant and shut my face.
...and open and relax my head a bit more...

if I hear that new band of horses album one more time at work (or EVER again for that matter) I might just have to kill-a-man.
fucking auto-tune bull shit, and the lamest lyrics I've heard this in a minute.
total fucking crap.
...just had to get that out.

ode to self-portraits with meredith...

...a fraction remains. But the reality of what truly is, is much larger...
I'm ill with horrible thoughts right now-
all that I hope are never ever true.
Get cooked, but stay sweet.
Get cut, but stay whole.

That old certain feeling...

It's back to school time again, and I'm reminded of the coffee and cigarette sustenance that became oh so georgia state last time around.
Waking up early, staying up late.
Finding time in the strangest places.
...that force- somewhat centrifugal, that just straight up keeps you going...

Funny how quick summer goes away.
But when you flip through your mind- in retrospect, it truly is one long swirl of memories to write home about.

I lost a little bit this summer...but overall I gained the most, and have been lucky to feel strongly tied and more compelled to particular things and people. One person specifically I must say...

As summer fades, I'm giddy with more than just thoughts about scarves and sweaters.
I've got a love.

she's so...

heavy.

summer is good.

aahhhhhhlaska...

I can't drink like I used to...
(and yes that really is a good thing)

But things get wacky when my drunken self, plus my partner in crime ms. d, decide it's a fine idea to polish off an entire bottle of whiskey.
(?!?!)

2 am hot dogs, forgotten toast, accidental phone calls, and cigs in the house.
(black out steez)

At least I didn't burn the house down.

it's summer once again and there are so many things to get super-stoked about... san fran...sunno))) and earth, bike adventures, hopefully a trip up to new york, and maybe one back home for a bit?!
also not showering is up on the list as of late...

...my biggest summer goal: grow some hair on my feme-balls and stop being a bitch on dem drummms yo!

anyway, here are some pics from lately...

I dreamt we went sledding- onto a frozen pond...

Did I turn into a polar bear on the ice?

I think you already were one.
Then we rode bikes in the snow.

I want to ride bikes in the snow with you.

But we would wreck one million times!

Not if we put chains on the tires...